Ode to Joy

Isn't it interesting when one concept seems to flit across different corners of your life at one time? Recently for me it's been the concept of "joy." On Sunday, my pastor spoke on the spiritual discipline of "play" (bet you didn't know that was a discipline :)) Sometimes we take care of our physical and spiritual health, but still feel drained or stressed or short with people. That may be because our emotional health is still suffering. Fun, happiness, and joy are important parts of our lives and fill our emotional "tanks." Then in the Bible study I'm doing, joy has popped up too. This time it was Beth Moore who pointed out James 1:2-3 and how joy can come through trials, how joy and anguish are opposites, and that when we go through something we have options of how we can think about it (as a joy or not).

All of this got me ruminating on my own joy. I think sometimes I have trouble with joy, and here are two reasons I see for that.

1) I'm an analytical and introspective person. That probably comes as not much of a surprise to anyone. I tend to get nervous or anxious easily, try to look for meanings/motives/all the possibilities in things, etc. Sometimes I let that side of me take over to the point of hindering joy. In fact, as I sat through the sermon on Sunday, two instances flew into my mind that happened in the not too distant past. I had two completely distinct and different situations in my life that I was really stressing over - one had to do with me dreading/being nervous about/anticipating motives behind/expecting conflict in a situation I was going to be in, and the other had to do with my super sensitive moral barometer going crazy and being in a tailspin about if what I was doing was ok. Interestingly enough, even though both instances were completely different in content and circumstances, happened at different times, and I sought advice from a different friend on each occasion, both friends said the same thing to me, which was basically, "Sarah, just enjoy it." And oddly enough in both cases, that was something I had not really even considered doing. In fact, I don't even think I realized it was an option. And it felt freeing to think of it in that way. I think a lot of times I am too concerned with what's "right," or considering all my options and deciding what I "should" do, or catastrophizing a situation in my head so that all I expect are different versions of horrible or unpleasant outcomes. And really, if I'm stuck in my head like that, it's not going to leave much time to have fun or enjoy anything. And isn't that just all kind of crazy? I mean, I'm stressed out before (if I'm "lucky" enough to know beforehand), during, and after something takes place and all of that stress and nervousness could be counteracted by their opposites which are fun, happiness, joy, etc. but I'm so caught up in the negative feelings that I don't even realize that fun is an option so I don't give it a chance to win out, so the negativity just cycles down further and further. Fun/joy/enjoyment might be the answer to overcome the bad stuff or solve interpersonal conflict or help you see a better outcome, etc. But when your mind is stuck on the other side of the spectrum, joy is a hard thing to arrive at.

2) Let's go a little bit deeper. Is it possible that I don't experience joy because I don't want to? I've got to break this one down into subcategories too. a) Let's say that something bad happens and the possibility for feeling joy seems to have flown right out the window. Since joy isn't feasible, it seems like there are two options: feel numb or feel sad/depressed/mopey/etc. Maybe some people like feeling numb, but I don't think I do. I think I'd rather feel something. It reminds me of a part in the movie Garden State when the main character Andrew goes off on his dad for making him take presumably anti-depressants practically his whole life and he finally says to his dad, "and for me, what I want more than anything in the world, is for it to be OK with you for me to feel something again, even if it's pain." He also goes on to say, "We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be, but for the first time let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are and that will be better. OK? I think that will be better." I think sometimes it feels good to feel sad because it feels authentic. b) But then I also think sometimes people just want to feel sad for the sake of feeling sad. I remember this episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where Deborah wants Ray to leave so that she can sit in their house and watch a sad movie or something and just cry for the sake of crying. I'm not sure how often I feel that way, if ever, but I know there are times when I am overly sentimental and emotional and just want to feel sad about something or at least when I'm more prone to being sad if something comes up to be sad about. c) I think I also have a tendency to like to play the victim or wallow in my despair. That's probably because I like sympathy and also because wallowing kind of makes me feel validated or like what happened was real - like, yep, this happened to me and look, I'm affected by it. d) I think I get some sort of weird satisfaction out of being sad. I'm not sure how to describe it, but maybe it's because I like to process things slowly and analyze what happened and how I feel about it and why. And if you move to joy too quickly, then it seems like the time to analyze and to think about things and how they affected you is cut short.

Gosh, it seems so hard to find a balance between joy and authentic negative feelings. I think I realize more now than I did before that joy is a really important thing. Having fun and being happy can fill up your emotional tank and life doesn't have to be, actually shouldn't be, so overly serious and foreboding and dramatic all the time. My pastor read us a quote, "Play is a scrub brush on our hearts and frees us from the buildup of life." Isn't that true? But on the other hand sorrow and sadness seem to have their place too. They lead to contemplation and a desire for change and a realization that I'm not in control but I know who is. So maybe the answer is just that, to find a balance between the two, to not dismiss sadness or stress or hard times, but to not let them rule your life, to not let them blind you to the mere *possibility* of joy through it all.

I'll end with this. In my Bible study workbook, it asked us to write down our options of how we could respond/react to a trial (and the author encouraged us to put one of the answers as "consider it joy" which goes along with James 1.) So I dutifully wrote down my options which pretty much apply to probably like 90+% of my trying times in life I think:

1) be sad & victimized and content to be mopey and feel guilty etc (that's my m.o., blame others, blame myself, be sad).
2) consider it a joy.
3) (kinda goes with #2) learn from it and move on, take the lessons with me and forgive myself and others.

But what really got me was when she asked us to then write what the 5 year ramifications of those courses of action would look like. Hmmm. I came up with:

1) No or little growth, never getting over it, being defined by it.
2) Realize God used it to grow me, encourage me not to give up next time and to follow Him more closely.
3) Reflection and growth, wholeness, forgiveness, change, fewer mistakes, more Christlike.

Wow. Somehow that simple exercise was really eye opening to me. I think it reveals why some patterns exist in my life. Choosing to consider hard things as a joy instead of simply camping out in the land of bitterness or disappointment can really set the tone for your future, especially if your trial was a big one, but also I think just in the accumulation of little trials. I think joy really can be rewarding in so many different ways. I'm glad it's an option that I'm learning to consider more often :)

"This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad IN it." Psalm 118:24