The other day I got a small gift from my coworker. She was going to be out on vacation and offered to let me use her parking spot while she was gone. Since I usually walk about 1.5 miles to work, or sometimes pay to park (neither of which is exactly desirable all the time given that I can be both lazy and cheap), I took her up on her offer.
I pulled into the snazzy underground parking and headed for the stairs when I saw a coworker getting out of her car. We shouted hello to each other from across the way and she said, "You're not walking today?" I called back that no, someone let me use their parking spot. A guy was heading up the stairs at the same time and overheard the exchange. He chimed in and said, "That's nice but you better not get used to it!"
That sentiment stuck with me all day and I was still thinking about it as I walked to my car that afternoon.
Even though this guy made his comment in a jovial, friendly way, I think it expressed an unfortunate feeling that is rampant in our world: Don't enjoy the good stuff too much or when life goes back to normal or takes a turn for the worst, you'll be more unhappy than you would have been. It's the whole concept of not embracing the blessings or happiness in front of you because feeling those high highs will make everything else feel lower.
Isn't that a sad way to look at life? But I know I do it too. For example, I can be overly cautious about something or guard my joyful emotions in case it doesn't work out. And sure maybe sometimes that might protect me a little, but it also has a cost. When I'm too busy feeling hesitant or waiting for something to end, I don't allow myself to enjoy the experience or the blessings that are present. Instead when the end does come, I just feel a little sad that I didn't spend my time enjoying what I had.
So, what were my options when thinking about the gift of the parking spot? I could have taken the guy's advice and decided that I shouldn't feel happy or thankful or appreciative about it and definitely not enjoy it because all of those would make me more unhappy when I next had to walk to work. But, if I chose this option, if I wasn't allowed to like it too much, it would feel like there wasn't much point to using the parking spot at all. Isn't the point to enjoy the gift? My other option would be to enjoy the parking spot, to be thankful for the extra few minutes in the morning, to notice and be happy about its convenient location, to appreciate that I could get home quicker or head somewhere right after work. And then when I had to walk next, instead of lamenting my lack of parking spot, I could not only look back thankfully at the days that I had one, but I could decide that there are a lot of good things about walking and enjoy those too! I get exercise, I see all the spring flowers, I consume fresh air and soak in the sunlight, I have time to think. Why not enjoy the blessing while you have it but also look for the blessings in everyday life?
Themes tend reoccur in my life. That same day that the mystery man had already made me start contemplating joy and leaning into it, I got into a conversation with someone who was of the opinion that it's better not to "put yourself out there" so as to avoid pain, especially if you've experienced hurt in the past. I thought about that for a minute. Then I said, "I think it hurts either way." I think there's hurt for all involved when you don't fully give yourself to an experience that's supposed to be enjoyable (imagine a dating relationship where one partner is holding back to avoid being hurt, or a dad who's not enjoying the family vacation because he wants to make going back to work a little easier, or a mom who distances herself from her son before he leaves for college so that the separation isn't so hard...those are all hurtful for all involved). I also think it hurts when you look back and think what might have been if you had let yourself experience something in an "all-in" kind of way. It seems like if there is hurt either way, you may as well embrace the joy even if it's going to bring hurt with it.
All of these thoughts remind me of a book I read recently, Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. I could probably quote a bunch of the book here, but the most applicable part seems to be her section on what she calls "foreboding joy." She argues that joy is very difficult to feel because it involves vulnerability. Some people would rather feel perpetual disappointment than risk feeling joyful. She says they might say, "It's easier to live disappointed than it is to feel disappointed. It feels more vulnerable to dip in and out of the disappointment than to just set up camp there. You sacrifice joy, but you suffer less pain." She goes on to say, "Softening into the joyful moments of our lives requires vulnerability...We're trying to beat vulnerability to the punch. We don't want to be blindsided by hurt. We don't want to be caught off-guard, so we literally practice being devastated or never move from self-elected disappointment...When we spend our lives (knowingly or unknowingly) pushing away vulnerability, we can't hold space open for the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure of joy...We're desperate for more joy, but at the same time we can't tolerate the vulnerability."
Something to think about, hm? She goes on to say that the cure for foreboding joy is practicing gratitude. That makes a lot of sense to me. It seems like when you see that you have something that isn't going to last forever or that even could end, there are two responses. First, you could realize that it could end and feel scared about it and not risk feeling joyful because you don't want to get hurt or feel worse later. Or, you could realize that it could end and thus isn't a guarantee in life, so you are thankful that you actually have it! Both options realize that whatever blessing isn't certain and could end up hurting, but only one option chooses to live in the moment and appreciate what is instead of dwelling on what will be. (Reminds me of the Matthew verse about not worrying about tomorrow since tomorrow has enough worries.)
There are so many good and enjoyable things in this world that are here and then gone. Trips. Big fancy holiday meals. Parties. People (who can leave in all sorts of ways). Bouquets of flowers. Your favorite pants that will eventually wear out. Your college years. A sunset.
For all of these I have the option of saying, "That's nice, but I better not get used to it!" I could think about the endings, or the time when these things will no longer be around, and decide that it's best not to let myself be too happy so that I can keep some emotional stability in my life. I could even sabotage my joy by looking for negatives in the blessing. Or I have the choice of being in the present moment and enjoying what is in front of me.
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