One of the most annoyingly grating things is when someone overestimates me. I am not entirely sure why, but it gets to me like not many things do and feels like someone is dragging their fingernails down a chalkboard in my soul. (Is that too dramatic? Sorry.) They might overestimate my morals, behavior patterns, personality traits, skills, etc., but whatever it might be, I can hardly stand it.
And it seems like this happens pretty often. Someone will go on and on about "how incredibly nice" I am and all I can think is "ummmm.....I'm not actually *that* nice...." A coworker will tell me about a show a band is doing but then add "oh, but it's in a bar so you probably wouldn't go." And I'm standing there thinking, "ummm, I have nothing against going to bars...." For goodness sake I've even received the comment that I'm like a "nursery rhyme girl" or someone who's been homeschooled their whole life. What? Someone will ask me if I applied for a certain job and I'll say "no, I didn't think I was at that level," and they'll look at me aghast and say "Oh! You definitely could do it!!" Meanwhile I internally sigh because I know the people who have been hired and that there is honestly no way I could qualify or compare. Someone will ask me about my apartment and how incredibly organized it must be, or we'll be around something messy and they'll ask if it's driving me crazy. And to that I respond, "Huh??" because I am far from the cleanest person in the world and have to actively fight against my messy tendencies. Someone will make a comment about how so-and-so definitely shouldn't be associated with *me*, insinuating that I'm way above that person's level or something like that. And I think to myself, "ummm, I am not really that morally superior or anything."
All of these types of things have annoyed me for awhile, but I didn't know how to classify it, until now. I was in conversation with a coworker telling him how I've done a few moderately "creative" things (nothing special) for my office, but somehow that puts this gold star image around me and what I am and what I can do. So when another project comes up they say "Oh ask Sarah. She's creative!" ...Even though I have little experience implementing what they want me to do and I don't think I'm super creative. (Ok, here I have to interject that I actually didn't find this all that annoying because I like getting the chance to do fun projects even if they were overestimating me :)) As I described this to my coworker he looked at me knowingly and said, "Ah, the halo effect!" I had no idea what he was talking about, so he continued that it was a psychological term to explain how people take something they know about you and then use that information to infer and extrapolate other information about you.
Eureka! I think this happens to me a lot! People see a somewhat mild mannered, church going, more or less reliable person and infer up the wazoo giving me bright shiny halo after bright shiny halo when really their inferences might not be all that accurate. Sure maybe there are benefits to this like getting to be do fun projects or being treated well in general, but most of the time I'd prefer the opposite.
Want a real life example? First you have to understand (as my mother does) that even though I might seem mild mannered most of the time, there lies within me a rebellious streak. Once, awhile back, I told someone, who I knew had a halo effect opinion of me, that I had a wild side. The person responded by laughing at me (in disbelief) and telling me to name one time I ever did anything wild. (Don't worry, I didn't stoop to the level of trying to prove myself.) At about that same time, I told another person that I had a wild side "deep down." This person responded by laughing and saying "It's not that deep!" They even later told me that they realized I could be easily influenced by peer pressure and had somewhat of a wild side and that they took that to heart when hanging out with me.
Which type of person would I rather hang around? The one who does not fall victim to using the halo effect, of course. Thinking about it, I'm not entirely sure why that is, but there are a few reasons why this could be true. First, you feel more comfortable with a person who does not have an inflated view of you. If someone thinks you're the greatest thing ever, then I think there is a lot of pressure to live up to that. You can't really be yourself if you're always trying to operate with unrealistic expectations. Second, you feel safer with someone who sees your faults and likes or approves of you anyway. Isn't that pretty validating? If someone likes you because of some dream version of you that they have imagined, that doesn't give you (the real you) much worth or meaning, does it? (And you know what, I think that may actually be the heart of the matter for me.) Third, when someone has a realistic, non-halo view of you, they can see your faults, and when they see your faults, they can help you. Someone who thinks I'm the best worker ever might not realize I need training or support. Someone who thinks I'm morally superior might lead me down the road to temptation without realizing it.
So, can we agree to stop with the fake halos we give each other? Life might look prettier in its photoshopped version, but living in reality is so much more rewarding.
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