Homesick at Home?

Emotions are tricky things, aren't they?  I'm not entirely sure how in tune I am to my emotions or how readily I let myself feel them (at least without overanalyzing them even in the moment they are felt...)  But even with that said, I think that most of the time I am able to identify what I am feeling and a possibility as to why.  That's not always the truth though.  Do you ever have moments where you know what emotion you're feeling (ie sad, overwhelmed, etc) but you aren't exactly sure what's making you feel that way?  Or do you ever have a situation in life and you just can't figure out what emotion you feel about it...almost to the point where you feel emotionless?  Come to think about it...I've actually had both of those happen to me within the past few weeks quite a few times in various ways.  It can be more than a little unsettling to say the least.  I tend to like things to make sense and to present themselves in a manner that can be understood, but when you're feeling an emotion that has no explanation or when you're facing something and just can't for the life of you figure out how you feel, it's pretty aggravating.

But with all that said, my topic today takes that idea even a step further.  Have you ever experienced a time where you know you're feeling something, but you're just not sure what it is that you feel and you don't know why you feel that way?  Thankfully I don't think this happens to me very often, but every once in awhile it does.

I kind of had that experience today.  Tonight as I went about making a to do list and completing tasks around my apartment, I started to realize that there was an unpleasant feeling in me that was there nagging at my mind.  I had to stop and determine what it was that I was feeling.  I wasn't quite sure what to label it, but I almost immediately knew what to compare it to:  homesickness.  That queasy, uneasy homesick feeling that afflicted me quite easily as a child was attaching itself to me as an adult...as I went about life in my home of all places.  That's kind of a confusing emotion to have.  So now I feel like I am tasked to figure out why that would be.  Because why feel an emotion without analyzing it...ya know...

So of course the best place to turn in situations like this is the internet.  I'm only halfway kidding.  As it says somewhere in the Bible (I think), there is nothing new under the sun.  So, if I'm having this weird feeling, probably other people have too.  I found a few sites here here here and here which I thought all shed their own kind of light on the subject.

The first article said, "Even so, only lately has there emerged a clearer sense of what homesickness is -- a distinct adjustment disorder with identifiable symptoms -- and what causes it." And , "Yet despite the way it's coined, homesickness isn't necessarily about home. And neither is it exactly an illness, experts said. Instead, it stems from our instinctive need for love, protection and security -- feelings and qualities usually associated with home..."

From the second article I liked this quote, "We've all felt it before. That feeling of "I'm here - but I want to be there". Or "I'm doing this - but I want to be doing that"."  And this one, "Today, I'm homesick. I try to be satisfied with wherever I am. But today, I'm wishing I was there. Somewhere that I just can't be right now."

I liked the way the third article said, "I have had this same gross feeling in my stomach all weekend... It's almost like a home sick feeling, but I'm sitting at home right now!!" And it was interesting that she felt that way because she missed someone (her husband I assume) and was worried about him too.  And she probably also felt that way (I imagine) because her life was suddenly different too.

The last article was by far the least emotionally appealing or at least gave me the least to be introspective about, but I thought it was actually pretty interesting (even if it was sciencey dry).  The part I found interesting here was that the psychologist claimed that children use the term "homesick" (when it doesn't seem to apply) because they aren't well versed enough to know how to accurately describe their feelings.  (Sheesh, nothing like implying I'm emotionally immature!!)  He said, "Homesickness is actually the child notifying the parent that they are experiencing some emotional distress for reasons they can’t label or identify."  He also said, "Even now, as an adult, your brain still labels a sense of anxiety, insecurity, anticipation, etc. as a feeling of being homesick."

To get the full picture, I think I also need to consider:  when do I remember having these feelings as a kid, the "homesick" feeling?  If I think about it, I felt it at times when probably a normal person wouldn't say they were "homesick."  I of course felt homesick when I would go to a friend's house to spend the night, sometimes pretty extremely.  But I also had those same feelings at other times, like when I was at home with a babysitter and my parents were gone, when I went to a new school, or even when I was older and babysat in an unfamiliar/uncomfortable house.  So I guess my homesick feelings as a kid didn't always correspond with your typical scenarios anyway.

So...why did I feel that way today?  First, am I like the psychologist said, just mislabeling what I felt?  I'm not so sure about that.  I can't remember feeling this way anytime recently and it felt like a distinct/unique feeling.  But there is the possibility that it was just a mixture of anxiety and insecurity that I am too emotionally immature to accurately identify.  Personally though, I think that it's quite telling that it immediately summoned up images of how I felt homesick as a child.  I think that is something distinct, and that the concept of feeling homesick is worth exploring.  

Looking at the articles and descriptions of homesickness, I think I can kind of figure out where this is coming from for me.  First, we saw that homesickness is an adjustment disorder and can come from a feeling of lack of love or security, or even missing someone.  It's no secret that I do not do well with change. I like what is predictable and what is known.  Things outside of this realm tend to make me nervous.  And lately I've felt like my life is in the midst of an upheaval of change in some ways.  While there are various aspects of change going on, I think a lot of it is relationally based.  In the past month I had two important relationships basically end, and in the very near future there is another big relational change(or end) on a more widespread scale happening, not to mention other relational/life changes I am considering for the near future, as well as another close relationship that I'm predicting will change (perhaps diminish).  That would be enough to make someone feel (relationally) insecure I would think.  Not to mention that it would present an adjustment challenge.  Second, the feeling could've stemmed from feeling like I wanted to be somewhere else (figuratively speaking).  Maybe that ties into my first point.  Maybe there are so many changes happening right now and stressors etc etc that my feeling of "homesick" was really just me wishing that I could go back to a previous time when these issues weren't what they are right now.

I think it probably all boils down to there is too much "new" happening, too much that I feel like I am redefining (or about to redefine) myself, too much loss.  (It's interesting that these feelings struck me today when I was trying out new recipes and new foods on a day where I was already feeling stressed.  Maybe it was just a culmination of too much.)  If you think about it, as a kid I felt this way when 1) life strayed from the norm and from my predictable routines and 2) when I didn't have certain relationships to support me.  And aren't those two things really the root of homesickness (when you are 1) in a different place 2) away from your friends and family)?  So I think it makes perfect sense that when those two elements are present in life (no matter what the situation), that a feeling of homesickness might be discerned.  Maybe my life has the correct mix right now of 1) varying from the norm and 2) changing or losing relationships, that it has produced within me a feeling that I classified as homesickness.

But, I think there is one more factor to consider.  I'm getting ready to travel abroad in 2 weeks (!!) and that could bring about legitimate feelings of homesickness.  Who knows, maybe I am just actually feeling pre-homesick homesickness!

Well, now that I've successfully spent much longer analyzing the feeling than actually having the feeling....we'll call it a night.